morganacademyfp

The elderly gent went for his annual medical. "Your hearing is getting worse," said the doc., "and you must cut out drinking, smoking and sex." "What!" cried the old geezer, "Just so I can hear better?"

Oh, you are auwful, Margaret, but I like it!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other but still they stay together.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.

The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Al Sharpton, self appointed Speaker of the Black Community, 66, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" Inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

"Daddy," said the little girl, "do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'?

"No", said her father, "often they start wthe "Vote for me ..".

Women inspire us to great things, and prevent us from achieving them.

One of my all time favourites, Pud.
So are we going to get more jokes repeated from Forum Mk2?

Are you there dave?

The reporter was pressing the old gent on his 100th birthday as to why he had lived so long.
"Two reasons," said the old-timer. "The first is my life-long pratice of having two whiskies a day, and teh second is that I cancelled my voyage on the Titanic."

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? "
Sigmund Freud

This Year's First Christmas Joke.


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, `you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'This represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates.'

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

The Garfield annual Christmas series is always something to look forward to. Here's a favourite of mine from 1999.
www.garfield.com/comics/comics_archives ... 9-ga991208

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the sales girl took charge to help him.

"What color?" she asked.

He settled for white.

"How much does it cost?" he asked.

"Twenty-four dollars."

"Expensive, but ok," he said.

All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.

"Now sir, are they the size of a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"

"No," he said, "nothing like that."

"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."

He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"

I had some words with my wife; and she had some paragraphs with me.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.